Im drifting into the drifter

I blacked out...
Blacked out of my dream
Blacked out of truth
Blacked out of my own oblivion
I poison myself to open the floodgate and to feel the endured torture. Slices on my own heart have been reflected on my broken down face. I wanted to be free and to live amongst the gems. To uncover the soiled diamonds that've shown from underneath the shrubbery. I can hold myself everyday but my own arms don't quite reach around. I am happy and I am sad. What I do in between is just a shadow. The lights don't shine until I beg them to. In front of me are dying flowers urging the droplets of water to wash over their leafy stems. To give them a birth of resistance and a will to live beautifully. They want too much and they are too much. Im too much, so I'm told. Maybe not though, maybe Im sliding off the edge because for once their will be an enity of my own illusion to come pick me up. Have a cigarette and drink this vanilla coffee. Settle down and be you for a while. I am me though. People don't understand that when I spread my arms and fall, that I don't feel ashamed... just free. Im free when everyone else is sitting in their own made up belief of how people should really be. I want what "normal" people want. A house full of laughter,poker nights,light beer, a dog, a cat, a handsome man,beautiful children, ha a garden as well. A kitchen infused with a bacon scent and walls with puzzling wallpaper, it sounds nice doesn't it? I want a life that makes others happy. I am selfish but when I'm not I get scolded for worrying about others. Catch 22 anyone? The only privledge I desire for others, is that they remain safely noticed. We all search for that little spectacle called happiness. What is it? Who is it? What does it do? When will I know? Will I ever feel it again? Just stop... I whisper. Its a drifter wit no intentions of stickin around. They have an embroidery of stories and quilts for quick wits. It sleeps in your bed with the lights down and has you under its eyes. Its a soft netting for a let down, but it comes round when it hears that familiar sound...tender crying. Sometimes I wanna reach inside myself and tell it "hey baby, you're leaving too soon, a little too soon for me. I am happy because one true moment of bliss shuts out the unrest.