I have many faces, but none are mine

There is this want of leaving my old self behind. I can just cash all of my checks and take a bus to... I don't know. I'd place my phone underneath the bus tire and just wait for the crunch. I don't want to be found, but I'd use a pay phone to let people know I'm alright. God, do they even have pay phones anymore? I suppose this would be selfish, but is it really? I've made a few people hate me these past couple of months, and I guess not hearing from me at all would be best. I'm not sad or even angry, I just want to disappear. Im not in love with anyone or have any ties to a person, so the harm would be none. Questions don't ever arise to the surface. How will I make it? Will I miss home? Will I be missed? None of these bother me. The simple reason for all of this bantering, is the simple fact that the person I am now is not the person I wish to be. I was once at the highend of the totem pole. Now, I'm just a worm muddling around statues. I've lost control over myself and its mirror. I'm an IT covered in makeup and insanity. Who is me? :( :D :/ :) ;) >:( >:) A thought that everyone thinks but fears to say aloud. I don't want to want. I want to be wanted. Do I though? Does this label miss me? I have to find who I really am. I can't sit here believing to be Samantha, when in fact all it is; is just a name. A name with an old meaning, but a name all the same. I don't identify with any belongings except for my teddy bear and a very special book. Truth be told I feel as if there are too many souls living within my own. One of the most beautiful ideas is one of the soul.A deity that makes us...us. Its a chaotic spiral of light and wisdom. As a commoner I have no means to comprehend my own painting. To understand that, is a charming notion.

It is time to go off into music and decadent masquerades...

Rosy Blues

There are times where I am so overwhelmed with dirty water feelings, that its sometimes psychotic. Nothing is purified and I think I'm okay with that. I want to cross the country with a goodlookin friend and some whiskey by my side. I come alive and I get punished for the howling. Getting lost in a mans guitar as he strums his troubles is a blue that soundly becomes rosy. I twist my hair and drop the moon in my lap. I don't have a true identity but several that spread out perfectly on my fingers, just like valuable rings should. Meeting a man who fits his gun in his vocabulary is a man for me. Down to earth and subtly weary, is a cost  that can be bought. A random thought: I want to travel down to New Orleans and chow down on some of that bittersweet cake and the flavors of the musty air. God damn do I feel a sweet peace tonight. A little room on my pillow and some sweet talk from the ones before me and I'm drowning in the atmosphere...

History Of Failed Endeavors

Last night I did something I know I will not regret. Someone who I've loved for over a year has finally pushed me to the limit. Everyone knows that I am very patient with people, and that I'm always understanding. This guy literally made me crazy. One minute I'm the best person in the world; the next I'm nothing? Yeah I can be overbearing and very sensitive, but its for good reasons. For those who know me well; they know I am completely mad. All the best people are...

Now I'm not going to sit here, and pretend I didn't have any fault either. Rejecting this persons love and begging for attention at any cost; was an immature act. When he brushed up against me; I had felt butterflies and the prickling of "I'm in trouble." What terrifies me more than anything, is that I will never get the feeling again. Sometimes I think that I should of ran away from him. I saw his picture and just knew. I can't kill myself this way though. I begged for his love, when he should of been begging for mine. Yes, I am very torn up. Yes, I could use a nice gesture. Yes, I want to fall apart. Falling apart is so easy, but pulling yourself together is the hardest. I know that he probably doesn't care, and I accept that. Our time maybe meant nothing to him, but it meant the world to me. I say this to every person who may be in the same situation. Do not give yourself to someone who is not invested. It'll kill you. He doesn't want a relationship with because he doesn't know me at all. How am I suppose to be myself around someone who is condescending and judgmental? I try to talk about something and I get shut down about how I said a word wrong or how getting a test of my knowledge in history. Am I not allowed to be wrong? No I'm not the brightest person in the world but I'm happy with myself.

I'm emo and you are?

Alright so now is the time where I fully express myself... WAIT WHAT?!
Yeah everything has been a lie and you as the audience have been involved in my lie. Seriously though I haven't been completely honest with everyone. Over the past few months I've been used and thrown away. I was giving my heart to someone who just bounced if rocks just to see if it fucking BOUNCED! No fucker my heart doesn't  have a soft cushion for the blow; it goes SPLAT!  I had put all energy and time into this guy just to get a big NOPE!

Text: Your beautiful
Week later
Text: I don't want to be with you

Dude... wut?

Okay I understand that sometimes I can be clingy and a WOMAN! I've got issues from ze past and you know what; I'm completely insane. I'm not going to pretend to be a better version of myself because she doesn't exist at the moment. I've fought for a year and a half to have a stable relationship with this guy. So you know what I get? Oh just guess. Okay, okay I'll tell ya. I get a slap on the ass and a goodbye. I poured my soul into every kiss and still I get *crickets* Its hard to say that I'm still not in love because there were alot of moments I hold onto. I wasn't even given a damn chance and it reminded me of my last relationship. I kept getting broken up with and finally after three years we were finally steady. I grew apart from the guy and now we are just friends. It hurt him more than me because I was just tired. I'm starting to grow tired of this as well and I'm trying to cling onto hope but there is none. I'm lying to myself and others. I've defended this guy for a long time. I kept saying "He isn't a bad guy." "He would never hurt me." oh my personal favorite "He isn't using me.".... No he'd never do that. The worst part is that I allowed myself to be used. Who is the fool now? Not him but I. I'm the fool. Staying late and talking to my girlfriends about what it might be like if we lived together, and now the thought just burns. Their voices still echo in my head "Oh that's so cute!"

After being in each others company he goes and tells me to get a boyfriend. Oh and to not kill his next girlfriend. After that I've never felt so emo T_T Honestly, I feel bad for the girl that happens to stumble across a wolf in drag. I say mean things but that's only because I'm a beaten down dog. To the audience I am deeply saddened by everything but I do carry on. I always fear when this person will find another and show them the love I had spent so long battling for. I couldn't even show this person who I really was without being scared that they'll think I'm weird or gross. (lol) I guess all I'll ever be is just a fun time to a man I'd given everything to. I lost a parent, money, and my heart. The cost was high and I'm starting to doubt if any of this was worth it.

This is Sam signing out
wishing everyone a night full of tucks, and sweet dreams

I've got the soul. Do you have the soul?

What is now?!
What is it?!

There was a sign that said: Three things that make a good date are as follows... Good looking, intelligent, emotionally stable.

Now pick two out of those because having all three doesn't exist.
If someone was to pick for me; I'm guessing it would be good looking and intelligent. This is something I don't feel ashamed for sharing. I am very emotionally unstable. I feel way too much, but what is too much? No, I don't cry if someone calls me jellybutt or whatever. Most people will probably read this and be like "woah girl this is too personal," but I'm simply reaching out to those who have the same problem. I keep saying that I've changed and a real jackass would know that change doesn't come in day. Its getting there though... I hope. I am FUCKING heartbroken. Well that felt amazing! Is that unstable enough for ya? People say don't drink when you're hurt and I say "why not?" I want to feel alive not caged like some monkey. I don't want to be poked by people and then scolded for poking back. I'm not a caged animal. If I love someone; I'm gonna love them and if I want to hit them then I will. If someone can't handle who I really am then "hit the road jack, cause this sally doesn't need to be stitched up." I'm am trying to be the best person that I can be and for some people that isn't enough anymore. I pick out my wedgies. I get jealous when a guy has naked pictures of someone else. I sometimes think I'm better than everyone else. I have flaws. Sometimes I sit and look at nothing. Then I start thinking "hmpf this isn't so bad after all." I am crazy and I just keep getting stranger. If you want a boring girl by your side by all means go to vampirefreaks and get her. This girl isn't going to be tamed anytime soon. ;) I'm not apologizing for having soul...

Clementine

I made peace with myself... just after one day of recklessness

I've unwrapped myself of negativity and self inflicting wounds. The bandages were bloody and some speckled. Something and I'm not sure what is changing within me. I feel as if I'm basking in a glorious moment. One that seems everlasting and untouchable by those who mean me harm. I have stayed up nights crying, hoping that no one would hear my begs for breath. Those nights were lonely and deafening to those who've past. I know that my grandfather would not want me in a shape that has been mended to fit around someones finger. He would want me proud and filled with gall. A few shots of whiskey had whisked away my hope for a future. I didn't want to die, and when my eyes filled with a fear that only God could put in; I realized that my ghost was not ready to emerge. Covering my chest because I no longer thought I was beautiful; covering my smile because I thought it was a lie, but now my fingertips are grazing fabric. Fresh air blowing against skin; as I am no longer afraid to be in Samantha's skin. I was hovering across the wide open room with a tilt in my neck; just staring down at the beggars. I can only choose the midnight choice, but what is that?Will there be a prince charming with some kind of crooked demeanor? If that;s the case my shoulder will easily brush past him. The candlelit street behind the castle is a much more suitable route for someone of my nature. I'm stripping down the trickery that once made up my day. Sweet, sweet memories will embrace the youth. The youth I share with the ones willing to listen; is now the outline of my heart. There is so much to place upon silver platters and I'm quietly awaiting dinner guests; that are little pieces of myself. I no longer await the bitter days of waiting. Every piece of myself is now whole...

I am Samantha again...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1lR9TvFBUw&feature=BFa&list=PL3B1857AC9622319E&lf=plpp_video

A nightmare of the recurring kind

I'm having this recurring dream about a woman who is me, but a better version. Shes more passionate, sexier, grounded, and amazing. I hate this woman and I want to punch right through her. Everyone becomes upset when I'm too forward about my hatred. Envy has completely taken over my body; to where I am a leafy fake. Nothing under those leaves of mine are worth a look. Its all brown and wilted; just like the rest of the soiled degenerates. I'm slipping under the boiling water with intentions of never fully grasping heat. I have to bust through his barrier and become the person that's staring back at me. Shes laughing and pointing; as I crouch back down. I have to break through the glass, through the skin. I have to envelop her into myself. I have to be myself...

Don't be afraid to be angry
Don't be afraid to laugh when something is funny
Don't shy away from love
Don't be a coward anymore...
Be comfortable in your own skin
Perhaps it'll fit perfectly...