Alright so now is the time where I fully express myself... WAIT WHAT?!
Yeah everything has been a lie and you as the audience have been involved in my lie. Seriously though I haven't been completely honest with everyone. Over the past few months I've been used and thrown away. I was giving my heart to someone who just bounced if rocks just to see if it fucking BOUNCED! No fucker my heart doesn't have a soft cushion for the blow; it goes SPLAT! I had put all energy and time into this guy just to get a big NOPE!
Text: Your beautiful
Week later
Text: I don't want to be with you
Dude... wut?
Okay I understand that sometimes I can be clingy and a WOMAN! I've got issues from ze past and you know what; I'm completely insane. I'm not going to pretend to be a better version of myself because she doesn't exist at the moment. I've fought for a year and a half to have a stable relationship with this guy. So you know what I get? Oh just guess. Okay, okay I'll tell ya. I get a slap on the ass and a goodbye. I poured my soul into every kiss and still I get *crickets* Its hard to say that I'm still not in love because there were alot of moments I hold onto. I wasn't even given a damn chance and it reminded me of my last relationship. I kept getting broken up with and finally after three years we were finally steady. I grew apart from the guy and now we are just friends. It hurt him more than me because I was just tired. I'm starting to grow tired of this as well and I'm trying to cling onto hope but there is none. I'm lying to myself and others. I've defended this guy for a long time. I kept saying "He isn't a bad guy." "He would never hurt me." oh my personal favorite "He isn't using me.".... No he'd never do that. The worst part is that I allowed myself to be used. Who is the fool now? Not him but I. I'm the fool. Staying late and talking to my girlfriends about what it might be like if we lived together, and now the thought just burns. Their voices still echo in my head "Oh that's so cute!"
After being in each others company he goes and tells me to get a boyfriend. Oh and to not kill his next girlfriend. After that I've never felt so emo T_T Honestly, I feel bad for the girl that happens to stumble across a wolf in drag. I say mean things but that's only because I'm a beaten down dog. To the audience I am deeply saddened by everything but I do carry on. I always fear when this person will find another and show them the love I had spent so long battling for. I couldn't even show this person who I really was without being scared that they'll think I'm weird or gross. (lol) I guess all I'll ever be is just a fun time to a man I'd given everything to. I lost a parent, money, and my heart. The cost was high and I'm starting to doubt if any of this was worth it.
This is Sam signing out
wishing everyone a night full of tucks, and sweet dreams
Nothing I can say to this seems appropriate coming from someone you barely know. But I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Some people, for lack of a better word, suck. This guy sounds like one of them. Move forward with this as a learning lesson - not to trust so easily, not to ever fully give yourself to someone unless they can do the same with you, and most importantly, don't ever let someone use you. Unless you're using them back. Sometimes, but only sometimes, thats okay.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words :)I'm trying to move on but at the moment I just choose to believe this person even exists. This of course only batters me more but that has to be endured...
ReplyDeleteNever lose hope. You're going to find happiness with others. This world is packed with fake friends, but you know when someone is a true friend and lover. You deserve the best from life.
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