I have many faces, but none are mine

There is this want of leaving my old self behind. I can just cash all of my checks and take a bus to... I don't know. I'd place my phone underneath the bus tire and just wait for the crunch. I don't want to be found, but I'd use a pay phone to let people know I'm alright. God, do they even have pay phones anymore? I suppose this would be selfish, but is it really? I've made a few people hate me these past couple of months, and I guess not hearing from me at all would be best. I'm not sad or even angry, I just want to disappear. Im not in love with anyone or have any ties to a person, so the harm would be none. Questions don't ever arise to the surface. How will I make it? Will I miss home? Will I be missed? None of these bother me. The simple reason for all of this bantering, is the simple fact that the person I am now is not the person I wish to be. I was once at the highend of the totem pole. Now, I'm just a worm muddling around statues. I've lost control over myself and its mirror. I'm an IT covered in makeup and insanity. Who is me? :( :D :/ :) ;) >:( >:) A thought that everyone thinks but fears to say aloud. I don't want to want. I want to be wanted. Do I though? Does this label miss me? I have to find who I really am. I can't sit here believing to be Samantha, when in fact all it is; is just a name. A name with an old meaning, but a name all the same. I don't identify with any belongings except for my teddy bear and a very special book. Truth be told I feel as if there are too many souls living within my own. One of the most beautiful ideas is one of the soul.A deity that makes us...us. Its a chaotic spiral of light and wisdom. As a commoner I have no means to comprehend my own painting. To understand that, is a charming notion.

It is time to go off into music and decadent masquerades...

Rosy Blues

There are times where I am so overwhelmed with dirty water feelings, that its sometimes psychotic. Nothing is purified and I think I'm okay with that. I want to cross the country with a goodlookin friend and some whiskey by my side. I come alive and I get punished for the howling. Getting lost in a mans guitar as he strums his troubles is a blue that soundly becomes rosy. I twist my hair and drop the moon in my lap. I don't have a true identity but several that spread out perfectly on my fingers, just like valuable rings should. Meeting a man who fits his gun in his vocabulary is a man for me. Down to earth and subtly weary, is a cost  that can be bought. A random thought: I want to travel down to New Orleans and chow down on some of that bittersweet cake and the flavors of the musty air. God damn do I feel a sweet peace tonight. A little room on my pillow and some sweet talk from the ones before me and I'm drowning in the atmosphere...

History Of Failed Endeavors

Last night I did something I know I will not regret. Someone who I've loved for over a year has finally pushed me to the limit. Everyone knows that I am very patient with people, and that I'm always understanding. This guy literally made me crazy. One minute I'm the best person in the world; the next I'm nothing? Yeah I can be overbearing and very sensitive, but its for good reasons. For those who know me well; they know I am completely mad. All the best people are...

Now I'm not going to sit here, and pretend I didn't have any fault either. Rejecting this persons love and begging for attention at any cost; was an immature act. When he brushed up against me; I had felt butterflies and the prickling of "I'm in trouble." What terrifies me more than anything, is that I will never get the feeling again. Sometimes I think that I should of ran away from him. I saw his picture and just knew. I can't kill myself this way though. I begged for his love, when he should of been begging for mine. Yes, I am very torn up. Yes, I could use a nice gesture. Yes, I want to fall apart. Falling apart is so easy, but pulling yourself together is the hardest. I know that he probably doesn't care, and I accept that. Our time maybe meant nothing to him, but it meant the world to me. I say this to every person who may be in the same situation. Do not give yourself to someone who is not invested. It'll kill you. He doesn't want a relationship with because he doesn't know me at all. How am I suppose to be myself around someone who is condescending and judgmental? I try to talk about something and I get shut down about how I said a word wrong or how getting a test of my knowledge in history. Am I not allowed to be wrong? No I'm not the brightest person in the world but I'm happy with myself.

I'm emo and you are?

Alright so now is the time where I fully express myself... WAIT WHAT?!
Yeah everything has been a lie and you as the audience have been involved in my lie. Seriously though I haven't been completely honest with everyone. Over the past few months I've been used and thrown away. I was giving my heart to someone who just bounced if rocks just to see if it fucking BOUNCED! No fucker my heart doesn't  have a soft cushion for the blow; it goes SPLAT!  I had put all energy and time into this guy just to get a big NOPE!

Text: Your beautiful
Week later
Text: I don't want to be with you

Dude... wut?

Okay I understand that sometimes I can be clingy and a WOMAN! I've got issues from ze past and you know what; I'm completely insane. I'm not going to pretend to be a better version of myself because she doesn't exist at the moment. I've fought for a year and a half to have a stable relationship with this guy. So you know what I get? Oh just guess. Okay, okay I'll tell ya. I get a slap on the ass and a goodbye. I poured my soul into every kiss and still I get *crickets* Its hard to say that I'm still not in love because there were alot of moments I hold onto. I wasn't even given a damn chance and it reminded me of my last relationship. I kept getting broken up with and finally after three years we were finally steady. I grew apart from the guy and now we are just friends. It hurt him more than me because I was just tired. I'm starting to grow tired of this as well and I'm trying to cling onto hope but there is none. I'm lying to myself and others. I've defended this guy for a long time. I kept saying "He isn't a bad guy." "He would never hurt me." oh my personal favorite "He isn't using me.".... No he'd never do that. The worst part is that I allowed myself to be used. Who is the fool now? Not him but I. I'm the fool. Staying late and talking to my girlfriends about what it might be like if we lived together, and now the thought just burns. Their voices still echo in my head "Oh that's so cute!"

After being in each others company he goes and tells me to get a boyfriend. Oh and to not kill his next girlfriend. After that I've never felt so emo T_T Honestly, I feel bad for the girl that happens to stumble across a wolf in drag. I say mean things but that's only because I'm a beaten down dog. To the audience I am deeply saddened by everything but I do carry on. I always fear when this person will find another and show them the love I had spent so long battling for. I couldn't even show this person who I really was without being scared that they'll think I'm weird or gross. (lol) I guess all I'll ever be is just a fun time to a man I'd given everything to. I lost a parent, money, and my heart. The cost was high and I'm starting to doubt if any of this was worth it.

This is Sam signing out
wishing everyone a night full of tucks, and sweet dreams

I've got the soul. Do you have the soul?

What is now?!
What is it?!

There was a sign that said: Three things that make a good date are as follows... Good looking, intelligent, emotionally stable.

Now pick two out of those because having all three doesn't exist.
If someone was to pick for me; I'm guessing it would be good looking and intelligent. This is something I don't feel ashamed for sharing. I am very emotionally unstable. I feel way too much, but what is too much? No, I don't cry if someone calls me jellybutt or whatever. Most people will probably read this and be like "woah girl this is too personal," but I'm simply reaching out to those who have the same problem. I keep saying that I've changed and a real jackass would know that change doesn't come in day. Its getting there though... I hope. I am FUCKING heartbroken. Well that felt amazing! Is that unstable enough for ya? People say don't drink when you're hurt and I say "why not?" I want to feel alive not caged like some monkey. I don't want to be poked by people and then scolded for poking back. I'm not a caged animal. If I love someone; I'm gonna love them and if I want to hit them then I will. If someone can't handle who I really am then "hit the road jack, cause this sally doesn't need to be stitched up." I'm am trying to be the best person that I can be and for some people that isn't enough anymore. I pick out my wedgies. I get jealous when a guy has naked pictures of someone else. I sometimes think I'm better than everyone else. I have flaws. Sometimes I sit and look at nothing. Then I start thinking "hmpf this isn't so bad after all." I am crazy and I just keep getting stranger. If you want a boring girl by your side by all means go to vampirefreaks and get her. This girl isn't going to be tamed anytime soon. ;) I'm not apologizing for having soul...

Clementine

I made peace with myself... just after one day of recklessness

I've unwrapped myself of negativity and self inflicting wounds. The bandages were bloody and some speckled. Something and I'm not sure what is changing within me. I feel as if I'm basking in a glorious moment. One that seems everlasting and untouchable by those who mean me harm. I have stayed up nights crying, hoping that no one would hear my begs for breath. Those nights were lonely and deafening to those who've past. I know that my grandfather would not want me in a shape that has been mended to fit around someones finger. He would want me proud and filled with gall. A few shots of whiskey had whisked away my hope for a future. I didn't want to die, and when my eyes filled with a fear that only God could put in; I realized that my ghost was not ready to emerge. Covering my chest because I no longer thought I was beautiful; covering my smile because I thought it was a lie, but now my fingertips are grazing fabric. Fresh air blowing against skin; as I am no longer afraid to be in Samantha's skin. I was hovering across the wide open room with a tilt in my neck; just staring down at the beggars. I can only choose the midnight choice, but what is that?Will there be a prince charming with some kind of crooked demeanor? If that;s the case my shoulder will easily brush past him. The candlelit street behind the castle is a much more suitable route for someone of my nature. I'm stripping down the trickery that once made up my day. Sweet, sweet memories will embrace the youth. The youth I share with the ones willing to listen; is now the outline of my heart. There is so much to place upon silver platters and I'm quietly awaiting dinner guests; that are little pieces of myself. I no longer await the bitter days of waiting. Every piece of myself is now whole...

I am Samantha again...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1lR9TvFBUw&feature=BFa&list=PL3B1857AC9622319E&lf=plpp_video

A nightmare of the recurring kind

I'm having this recurring dream about a woman who is me, but a better version. Shes more passionate, sexier, grounded, and amazing. I hate this woman and I want to punch right through her. Everyone becomes upset when I'm too forward about my hatred. Envy has completely taken over my body; to where I am a leafy fake. Nothing under those leaves of mine are worth a look. Its all brown and wilted; just like the rest of the soiled degenerates. I'm slipping under the boiling water with intentions of never fully grasping heat. I have to bust through his barrier and become the person that's staring back at me. Shes laughing and pointing; as I crouch back down. I have to break through the glass, through the skin. I have to envelop her into myself. I have to be myself...

Don't be afraid to be angry
Don't be afraid to laugh when something is funny
Don't shy away from love
Don't be a coward anymore...
Be comfortable in your own skin
Perhaps it'll fit perfectly...

Ms. Universe

Neck is slit wide open
The universe is pouring over
Spilling its semen out into the sea
Dragging its edges against me

Stretching out her heart over his knee
Examining how much the animal can really bleed
Swinging on hips, she bites her bitten lips
Music won't cure the restless sex

Tearing apart her chest, aren't they big enough?
Kill me
Kill me
She whispered in his ear
Now release it, kill me

Wring her out after she's been used
Smoke is escaping, ruining her best smile
Just like any other beauty, raped and burned
Misery dancing on her glass, crystal denial

Sipping toxins, divine being teasing heaven
Take me
Take me
She called out in thin air
Take me

Gnawing on my tongue
Blurry eyes in an absorbent seer
Organs slide too close to the skin
Tangling themselves with blackened veins

Slamming fists on the shattering floor
Sober hatred, for the plastic needle
Plunging into the angel with bells
From hell you've only got swinging ropes to sell

I scream for sincerity, for revenge
Rip me apart
Rip me apart
I pound my head
RIP ME APART!

Now she's come undone
It's a mess that's sinking between the floor boards
Dripping on the neighbors eating their busy dinner
Whiskey flows from the mournful saxophones 
I wish I could have helped her through this staged vortex
She lies there infected by old makeup and crisp latex
Is she pretty now?
Harlequin dressed in black
A little astronaut with spacious dreams
She surfaces through cotton and flowers
In the corner he weeps as his body devours
Eats her body with one strong bite
Galactic darkness pry's her chest open
Forcibly deleting all kindness 
Leaving alone the foul taste of swollen cheek
Chasing the dark with her grandmothers paranoia
Slapping away the holes to remain whole
Now she tilts her eyes over
To free screaming babies and resting pirates
Afraid to be angry, she questions the problem
Should I or shouldn't I?
Too lazy to contradict six feet
Head rests with feet
Head rests with feet
She's always been away from me…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LApq0yh5Cbw&feature=related

Once more sorry

Was I suppose to write away about my own expression for you?
Write about the wrinkles and then smooth them down?
The raindrops collapse on my fingers as I pen about you
And the table, a plethera of confusion
I sit upon the curb while the rest awaits my rhymes
Rhyme for me
Ryhme for me
A terrible madness when you quietly think that you can't
I'll try
I'll try
The water a soul catcher, collecting indiviual faces
Rapidly searching for troubled souls within hollow places
Transparent flowers fall through my shaky hands
All apples are yellow and the red rains on my land
I can't do anymore right at this moment
I'm not brilliant and the words aren't of a brilliant sonnet
I'm sorry
And I'm sorry once more

Im drifting into the drifter

I blacked out...
Blacked out of my dream
Blacked out of truth
Blacked out of my own oblivion
I poison myself to open the floodgate and to feel the endured torture. Slices on my own heart have been reflected on my broken down face. I wanted to be free and to live amongst the gems. To uncover the soiled diamonds that've shown from underneath the shrubbery. I can hold myself everyday but my own arms don't quite reach around. I am happy and I am sad. What I do in between is just a shadow. The lights don't shine until I beg them to. In front of me are dying flowers urging the droplets of water to wash over their leafy stems. To give them a birth of resistance and a will to live beautifully. They want too much and they are too much. Im too much, so I'm told. Maybe not though, maybe Im sliding off the edge because for once their will be an enity of my own illusion to come pick me up. Have a cigarette and drink this vanilla coffee. Settle down and be you for a while. I am me though. People don't understand that when I spread my arms and fall, that I don't feel ashamed... just free. Im free when everyone else is sitting in their own made up belief of how people should really be. I want what "normal" people want. A house full of laughter,poker nights,light beer, a dog, a cat, a handsome man,beautiful children, ha a garden as well. A kitchen infused with a bacon scent and walls with puzzling wallpaper, it sounds nice doesn't it? I want a life that makes others happy. I am selfish but when I'm not I get scolded for worrying about others. Catch 22 anyone? The only privledge I desire for others, is that they remain safely noticed. We all search for that little spectacle called happiness. What is it? Who is it? What does it do? When will I know? Will I ever feel it again? Just stop... I whisper. Its a drifter wit no intentions of stickin around. They have an embroidery of stories and quilts for quick wits. It sleeps in your bed with the lights down and has you under its eyes. Its a soft netting for a let down, but it comes round when it hears that familiar sound...tender crying. Sometimes I wanna reach inside myself and tell it "hey baby, you're leaving too soon, a little too soon for me. I am happy because one true moment of bliss shuts out the unrest.

Goodmorning fate, its been a long time

I'm trying to make my life better...
There is a weight sitting upon my chest and I don't know how to get rid of it. Its a mass of all things I tend to worry about. When was feeling alive... enough? Sometimes when I look into the sky, I grieve as I see a plane fly by. Always dashing through the stars and then streaming through the smokers relief. My success was important to me. Wanting to be involved with movies and standing out amongst the growing crowd, all living off of my existence. At one time I wanted to be locked away from society, atleast for a little while. To get ahold of my being, to speak to the lover,intelligence,wisdom, and then my goals. These immature thoughts felt like wet sand. The feeling was incredible between my spine and brain, but it was unrealistic and messy. Im a nineteen year old girl, who thinks the world seems hard but feels as if it could be a little bit easier...just maybe. These days I linger behind romance,music, and ideas. Just being the one person who could see. I cringe because I see so well. Behind another persons eyes, the affliction resides behind mine too and my body wants to escape along with them. I have forgotten all of the memories that once meant the universe to someone as careless as me. The universe so free spirited and quiet, just like me. I use to beg myself to burn down the fires that scorched my soul. To embrace the scum that may lie beneath the creators fingernails. I try to endure the fates that caress my solace. My heart isn't exactly empty, but full of rushing water. A typhoon that cleanses my singed endings. Nothing ever ends, now does it? I go on with paper skin and brittle organs. I keep strong and press for truth. The truth I seek doesn't seem to organized... but neither do I. No, Im the one person that shouldn't speak. Atleast for now...

Goodmorning, how are you?
I'm quite alright, just killing the time
How are you?
Can't complain, when its the same everyday
Seeing the sun rise and set through those windows, gets me
I have a bag packed for the day I finally find the mind to leave
I'd say take my hand and we'll go together, but I can't find myself
Have you seen me?
Someone with hopes lasting through many yesterdays?
You know its funny you mentioned that, because I think I'm missing too
I see alot of people around here and but it seems like theres only a few
But when I find her, you'll be the only person I'll come too

BRUSH THOSE TEETH

I don't feel like brushing my goddamn teeth. Every man that comes up to me, I just want to breathe a foul odor into their nostrils. All I see above their bobbing heads, are the words tits,ass,sex,and the phrase "please know when to shut up." Speaking of that, I measured my boobs today. A WHOPPING C CUP! Boredom and looking down, makes me do strange things. I keep losing weight (small boobs) and gain weight (big boobs) I'm an ocean current when it comes to my physique and mentality. Well after my rant: On to my real intro dum di dum di dum

I am

S:Swift
A:Adaptable
M:makeshift
A:Aromatic
N:Numberless
T:Tense
H:Handsome
A:Aggressive

Things about me
I like to pop my pimples
I love to peel off skin
I chew the skin around my thumb nail
I bite my significant others when I'm excited
I'm sensitive but can come back full force
I'm allergic to my favorite things but I endure the pain (Cats,Soy milk,Orange Juice,etc)
I love getting jealous but I know the limit
I annoy people so they'll leave me alone
I don't fall in love easily
One time a roman candle almost collided with my head... now I'm scared of fireworks
I HATE hair! When I shave everything goes.
I like crying. It makes me feel better
I love strong jaw bones or cheek bones
I like scars
I love hands and touching them
I like when people sniff me
I hate being ignored or being annoyed
I believe fetuses have souls but I still believe in abortion(reincarnation keeps me sane)
Im an intense person, causing others to look away from my eyes.
I day dream ALL the time. Things about love,fantasy,magic, etc
I thrive off being heartbroken. It gives me the tools to write and do other creative shit
I don't hate people...I have my reasons
I eat my feelings
Im a sexual person and I don't dare deny it
I don't look at the human body as a taboo thing
Vulnerable and Vulnerability... these words make my body freeze
I love when my stomach drops as I drive over a hill or down one
I like picking off icicles
The smell of gasoline makes me reminisce
Its not hard to make me smile

This is a start to who I am...
More posts to come